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The Void Inside

I was a virile, young, cocky twenty-something in the big city of Atlanta. We called it Hotlanta because of all the good times to be had there. I was there on business and decided to go out to a bar for the evening.

I didn't know anyone in Atlanta and I was a bit unsure of myself so it took a few beers to get me to talk to strangers. It was still pretty early in the evening when I saw in the corner of the bar a mystic woman who was offering tarot readings. Having left the Mormon church in my early twenties I was more open to things like this and decided to give it a shot.

I walked up and asked how much for a reading. I can't remember how much it was; even then I knew instinctually that there must be some exchange. I paid her what she asked and sat down. She began with advice without even lifting a card, "Only buy bottle beer from now on. Pints are too easy to slip drugs into and you're young and cute." I had never thought of that but to this day I still don't drink from pints or steins while out. Good advice!

It was after that legendary advice that she picked up the cards and began shuffling. The reading was as foreign to me as the big city. The two things I remember from that reading long ago were:

  1. Always buy bottled beer when in a foreign place so you do not get slipped some drug...and

  2. The Void I feel inside of me will never be filled.

"The void that you feel inside will never be fulfilled. The sooner you realize that, the easier your life will be." More than twenty years later I still think about that witchy woman and her tarot reading. She was right about the void. I feel it and always have. I think there may be more to it than that though...or, I'm still chasing meaning to fill it. Maybe by the end of this article I'll know.

Let's talk void. When googled this is what comes up:

  1. adjective not valid or legally binding. "the contract was void" Similar: invalid, null and void, null, nullified, canceled, revoked, rescinded, abolished, inoperative, ineffective, not binding, not in force, nonviable, useless, worthless, nugatory, lapsed, expired, out of date, terminated, discontinued, unrenewed

  2. adjective completely empty. "void spaces surround the tanks" Similar: empty, emptied, vacant, without contents, containing nothing, blank, bare, clear, free, unfilled, unoccupied, uninhabited, desolate, barren

  3. noun a completely empty space. "the black void of space"

I find these definitions interesting and the range of values and emotions that can be assigned to them. A few words that captured my attention were blank, free, clear, bare. I may be purposefully choosing words that I find to be more constructive than the others listed but it's my story and I can.

I want to take a moment here to just notice that the idea of a great void or a great mystery is not comforting to everyone. I think this is why it may have the connotations and place in our language that it does. So many times I read about making order out of the chaos and I kind of cringe. Ok, I really cringe. We are not the masters of the universe. Clinging to the idea that we are in control or ordering the space brings comfort to some folks.

As I take this journey in the void I also remember the mystic woman telling that my karmic slate was clean and I could do whatever I wanted in this life; all debts had been paid. Maybe this plays into the idea of the void as well. Are we born with some sort of inherited debt and that is what occupies a portion of the void space? Or, is is what takes up the whole void giving us a purpose and goal?

The Great Void in the cosmology of the pre christian Northern Europeans is where life began. Is this the same for me with my void? Will the lands of fire and ice come together to unlock some deep wisdoms and experiences that I have frozen inside my bones? Is the Void inside me my connection to that primordial void? I seem to be finding more questions than answers as I sit here pondering. I like that though.

One other thought comes to my mind. As part of our Soul Map, this idea of Hamingja, some would translate as luck, the increase of which is based upon the value others in your community see in you. Also, community is built through the ebb and flow of obligation and a form of debt. We help each other out when needed which is always reciprocated. So, is my void, my blank slate really a good thing? In this case, maybe. So many tasty things to unpack and devour with this topic.

For now I will leave you with those wanderings. I must find time to journey with this into my own void. If I find myself with more experiences on this I will for sure add them to the blog. Thank you for taking your precious time to read this article. May you find fulfillment in being too for that matter.

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